Statistics have been compiled, research has been conducted, relatives have been consulted, the gossip aunties (their big hips clad in colourful and bright golden sarees) have actually, for ONCE agreed. We present to you the characteristics that classify the THREE major Indian groups (or perhaps, castes?) that exist in Malaysia.
The REGULARs, HIP-HOPPERs & MACHAs
A) REGULARDefinition: Comprises a mere 7-10 % of the total population of Indians in Malaysia. Found in well-developed parts of the cities spread throughout the peninsular. (None have been found in Sabah & Sarawak as yet). Characteristics include:
1. Speaks English as their 1st language.
2. Do not know how to (or just dont) speak their mother tongue.
3. Prefer to identify themselves by sub-group rather than the plain Indian (ie-Malayalee, Ceylonese, Telugu, Sikh, North Indian etc)
4. Uses the internet more than the other 2 groups combined.
5. Swears off, criticises and ridicule those who watch Tamil/Hindi Movies and/or dramas. Instead, watches the OC, MTV and other American sitcoms.
6. Thinks that the REGULAR group is way larger than it actually is and constantly makes fun of the other groups, in particular the MACHA group. Why? Because it's fun!!
7. Aspires to be a doctor. Those who do medicine will eventually do so at UK/Australia, but will normally end up taking more than the required six years to complete the degree due to excessive failure.
8. Recent studies have shown that there is a growing splinter group within the REGULARs known as the IPWTTANI (Indian People Who Think They Are Not Indians). This growing sub-group is considered the elitist by some and is found to make the occasional statements like "I wish I were in the UK" and/or "This never happened when I was studying in Australia".
9. They often speak in unidentifiable accents. The women/men of this group also prefer to date white men/women from foreign countries with the excuse that local men/women "just don't understand me". Some of them will only go out and fornicate with their so-called 'cousin' who's studying in Australia/UK, who's visiting on their semester breaks. Many secretly desire to be taken away to live in a Bollywood film with a happily-ever-after ending.
10. Despise Samy Vellu
B) THE HIP-HOPPERSDefinition: The 2nd major group of Indians, the HIP-HOPPERS comprises about 20-30% of the population of Indians. Normally living in urban areas of cities, the HIP-HOPPERS, as their name suggests, can never be found where they actually come from, but rather in clubs, bars, pubs etc. Many secretly desire to be like the REGULARS but just don't make the cut. The characteristics of the HIP-HOPPERS are:
1. TRY to speak English as their 1st language.
2. Their actual 1st language is Tamil.
3. Openly desire to be blacks (waddap dawg?)
4. Hair not in original colour
5. Have unknown hand movements and slangs that are supposedly cool that supposedly go well together with their normal attire of FUBU jerseys and baggy jeans (that are more often than not bought in Petaling Street/Chow Kit)
6. Are famously known to shorten their names to suit their lifestyles (ie. Sam, for Muthusamy and Amber for Ambikadevy)
7. Large quantities (almost all) found in Jalan Telawi of Bangsar (though, to be fair, many REGULAR groups are found here too)
8. Parents want them to be doctors. Many end up studying medicine in Russia/Ukraine (CSMU) because they refuse to go to India and cannot afford UK/Australia. Those who go to India may eventually switch camps to the MACHA group.
9. Despises Samy Vellu. The HIP-HOPPERS major claim to fame is driving out all the REGULARs (Malay, Chinese & Indian) and the white expatriates from Bangsar by large quantities, so much so that they can now call Bangsar "home".
C) THE MACHASThe last and largest group of Indians in the country comes from the MACHA group. Probably the most famous group, it is so well known that most Malaysians think ALL Indians are from the MACHA group. Comprising nearly 70% of the Indian population in Malaysia, the MACHAS can be found in urban parts of the cities, and also in estates. Their characteristics include:
1. Speak Tamil as their 1st language
2. Sees Tamil Nadu/Madras (India) as the place to be.
3. Astro at home is hardwired to Astro Vaanavil.
4. Worship Bollywood films. The men openly desire to be like Rajnikanth or their favourite Indian star.
5. A night-out will have to include a stop at any Indian shop in Brickfields. The shopping haven will have to be Jalan Masjid India.
6. Know all the Tamil songs by heart and has never heard of Hitz.FM .
7. For men, outfit is never complete without a gold chain. Women prefer to spend their life-savings on gold jewellery and gaudy sarees.
8. Half of them aspire to be doctors, the other half; their parents want them to be doctors. The bright ones become the pride of all Indians in the country when they enter UM for medicine, the less fortunate go to AIMST. Many more attain paradise and have their dreams come true when allowed to go off to India (most of the time Manipal) to do medicine. Most just drop-out of school and contribute to social-problem areas in the country.
9. Despises Samy Vellu.
Some of these truths could hold true for Aussie Indians. As a matterof fact I think i belonged to the Hip-Hop group about 8 years ago. Now I may have gone Regular.
