Tis Friday and I await beer o'clock so I can get outta here. Big weekend as my Bro and his ladyfriend are visiting us next week so lots of cleaning up and all that, plus I have a football match on sunday to take part in.
Excuse the homo-erotic subtext to this question but, where have all the hard men gone?
It's not long since almost every top club had at least one hard man; one man who could frighten the crap out of opposition players with a mixture of intimidation, aggression and the occasional outburst of undiluted violence all mixed up with rugged tackling and crunching headers.
Football, like the English language is constantly evolving, and in recent years seems to have evolved to exclude the hard man from the game. Here's my question; is it a good thing? Am I the only one to miss him?
The best hard men were not simply psychotic nutters who went around stamping on people, mthough they were that as well, no, the most effective hard men were physically strong, excellent ball winners, and good passers. Their job was to break up play, and protect the flair players from being kicked to death by the opposing centre-half.
In the olden days the best example of a hard man was Ron Harris. If you never saw him, Chopper was extraordinary. He'd shock any young fan of today's game. His job was simply to hurt the opposition's best players - anything football-related after that was a bonus, but not strictly necessary. Early on in the 1970 Cup Final, he stamped on Eddie Gray's calf to reduce Gray's effectiveness. It worked. Job done.
But I was never a fan of the Chopper-style hard man. Too often he ruined the game by maiming the players you most wanted to actually watch.
However, the 70s were full of hard men like Larry Lloyd, Tommy Smith and Norman Hunter, who, along with being ruthless tacklers, were also good distributors of the ball. They didn't usually just deploy violence for its own sake, it usually had purpose and application. The principle of instant karma was always a popular one in 70s football; you hurt my tricky winger, you get a kick in the nads.
These were more visceral days - any player who was weak minded or physically lightweight was shown no mercy. It's surprising no-one died.
Which brings me to Souey. Graeme Souness was probably the most skilful hard man ever to walk a football pitch. He was an extraordinary, attacking midfielder, the like of which we will never be allowed to see again.
At times he mowed into players with a ruthless malevolence which was both utterly exhilarating and totally sickening in its sheer, raw violence. I once saw him in 1974, during his reign of terror at the Boro, taking revenge on a hapless defender for some perceived injustice.
As the player booted the ball away, Souey ran full speed into him, his boot up at thigh height. He stamped right down the bloke's thigh, down past the knee, down the shin and stamped on his foot in one, king-fu inspired movement. Naturally, his victim fell to the ground in pain, but rather than leave the scene of the crime quickly, Souey leaned over him and screamed abuse in his face. Even by the standards of the day, this was extreme behaviour.
I have to say, the fans loved it. It might be morally wrong, and these days it'd bring the full weight of the law on and off the pitch into play. He'd be hauled up in front of the world's media and castigated for his irresponsible behaviour. But these are different days. At the time, we loved it; all of us. Were we all thugs back then? Sometimes I do wonder.
In the 80s Souness continued his assault and battery style of playing at Liverpool and later, Rangers, while Vinnie Jones began his reign of bollock-grabbing insanity. The true inheritor of Chopper Harris' slash and burn approach, his Wimbledon days will never be forgotten as a period of unremitting, ugly, but rather successful, thuggery.
But as hard as Jones undoubtedly was, easily the hardest player in the 80s was South Yorkshire's finest, Billy Whitehurst. Alleged to have beaten the s**t out of Jones while they were both at Sheffield United, Billy is also supposed to have earned money while at Oxford doing bare-knuckle fights with local gypsies! Now that is f**king hard. You'd not catch John Terry doing that now would you, more's the pity.
By the time Billy quit in 1993, the hard man was already in decline but 'Razor' Ruddock was still elbowing people senseless, and Stuart Pearce was still out there, playing with a broken leg and doing full-body tackles on anyone who stood still for long enough. Who didn't love Psycho?
And then there was Roy Keane. In his pomp, Keane was one of the finest exponents of the hard man tradition. Sent off for vicious hacks and knee-breaking stamps, he brilliantly mixed his violence with high-voltage football skill of the highest order.
At his peak he was an irresistible force of nature. Mad, bad and dangerous to know, love or loath him, he was always compelling to watch, and he was crucial to Manchester United's dominance and success.
His confrontation with Paddy Vieira in the tunnel a couple of years ago was possibly the last old school hard man moment. It was, in all senses of the word, great. Am I wrong to feel that? Maybe. But I do feel it.
I know in these more gentle football days of high skill and fast pace, the hard man is seen as an anachronism, and anyone who admits to a joy in seeing a bit of ruthless on-pitch aggression is seen as a retard, especially by younger generations of fans who have grown up with a different tradition of football. Perhaps society and sport is keen to be more sophisticated in the 21st century. Maybe play-acting and feigning injury have replaced the hard man. Times change...maybe it's for the better, maybe it's not.
I don't see the Ben Thatcher-style forearm smash as part of the great hard man tradition. That smacked more of the over-reactions of a weak man. Anyone can just whack the living s**t out of someone, but the top notch hard- an knew how, when and why a player needed 'livening' up.
The hard man role - in the way we understood it in years gone by - has been made impossible by the outlawing of most forms of tackling, and the instant red cards given out by refs for players who sneeze too violently, let alone those who tackle someone around the neck with their muscular thighs.
In the Premiership, the art form barely exists at all, and where it does, it has had to change and adapt to the new football environment.
If I was to ask you for a list of hard men today you'd be hard pushed to make it a long list or draw it up very quickly. Take a player like Didier Drogba. I suspect he's as hard as nails, but because of all the play-acting and wussy behaviour, you can't call him a hard man. No hard man would ever pretend he was hurt when he wasn't, nor would he show it if he was - that would be to show weakness. The Drog fails on all those counts.
A player like Paul Dickov is a tough little b***ard and like a lot of very small men could start a fight in a monastery, but he's not a hard man in the Keane or Souness tradition.
Brian McBride, who shares his name with the boss of Amazon.co.uk - which incidentally is another place you can buy my book Footy Rocks - is a true hard b***ard centre-forward. When viciously elbowed by De Rossi in the USA v Italy game during the World Cup, he didn't flinch, even as the blood streamed down his face. He stood there, dazed but resolute. We need more men in the game who can take a whack and not weep about it. McBride looks like the sort of tough-assed Irishman that gave the NYPD such a fearsome reputation in the 30s. Thick-necked and made of granite, McBride is as hard they come, but he doesn't play the hard man on the pitch. He is just innately tough, he's not an inheritor of the hard man tradition.
Liverpool's John-Arne Riise took a good nutting last week and didn't go down, revealing unexpected hard man qualities in doing so. But he's not a player who uses that in his game as a rule.
So who does that leave? Richard Dunne and Andy Todd are tough sods, as is Scott Parker, but for me, the only true inheritor of the mad, hard b***ard role, the man who you'd least like to get the wrong side of, is Everton's Tim Cahill.
Cahill has an assassin's cold, dark, black eyes. His unusual Samoan/Irish parentage in itself sounds like a genetically tough-assed recipe.
He's nasty, aggressive and though a bit of a short arse, is as physically strong as anyone who plays the game. He's all muscle and he's got the look of a feral dingo. He walks the line in most games and uses his aggression to progress Everton's midfield attacking options incredibly successfully.
Like loads of Aussies, he's competitive to a point where it hurts, and he hates losing. In his first season at Everton he was top scorer and he's got five already this season - his good form is in no small measure responsible for Everton's success.
In an earlier era, Cahill would have played more like Souness, and would have been encouraged to do so by Moyes, who likes the physical game. But maybe because he can't play that way, we actually see the best of him, and because of that, football is the winner.
His game relies on controlled aggression, fierce determination, excellent timing and great positioning for all those late headers in the box he's made his trademark. If he was busy kicking lumps out of everyone, the more skilful side of his game might be lost, and that would be a shame.
The old school hard men days will never return, but while there are players like Cahill around, in some way, the tradition is continued. Fair f***ing dinkum mate.
So it was Timmy Cahill....interesting choice innit! Who would have thought! but I guess with the clamp down on hard tackles, we are missing those no nonsense, take no prisoners and personalities on the pitch. but that is a good thing. This lets the beautiful game flow. but to see Cristine Ronaldo get taken out or Cashley Cole or Fabregas.....ahhh if only i could play....
Hope the Pool get a positive result come Monday morning, lets see how Arsene Whinger reacts this weekend......
All hugs and smiles over at Anfield
You're in love. You love her. She loves you. You talk on the phone for hours at a time. You drive her everywhere. You find yourself spending fifty bucks on cuddly Korean stuffed toys that cost a buck twenty to make in Shenzen. In short, your world is complete. Now the only things standing in the way of your complete bliss are her parents. Want to learn how to overcome these obstacles? Welcome to impressing Chinese parents 101. Guys, take note. These are ancient secrets that up to now only a handful of noble families knew of. Father to son, to his son and so on. Only recently have these powerful techniques been catalogued and brought to the public's attention. Girls, take note too. If you love him, make him learn these rules. Harmony in the house, between your man and your mom and dad is paramount. And what's more they can be used when you meet his parents! Okay let's get down to the details.
Basically, we'll be covering what to wear, drive, say, bring, and talk about during dinner. We'll also cover what details to reveal about yourself, what your "supposed" ambitions are in life, what your family does for a living, and how much to eat during dinner. Finally, since there is no way to cover every conceivable situation which could arise, we will teach you the secret of secrets, to be used only in times of dire need. Please proceed.
What to Wear
Wear Polo or Tommy Hilfiger, as these labels will make you seem non-threatening. Chinese parents like non-threatening. They like to think that their daughter will be the boss of you and that you will be a hard worker and give her all the money you make. When she has all the money, she can lavish her parents with gifts and give them a nice life. Through you, their daughter will be able to repay her debt to her generous parents who sacrificed to give her a better life.
Under NO circumstances should you wear French Connection UK. Chinese parents know very little English, but they'll recognize the obvious mangling of one of the three words in their working vocabulary of English. The other two English words that Chinese parents also know are "yes" and "no", although "yes" is seldom used.
What to Drive
Borrow your parents' Accord. Your parents don't drive an Accord? Borrow their Camry. Your parents don't drive a Camry? Wait you're Chinese right? You're not Chinese and you're meeting your girlfriend's Chinese parents? Hmm, we have a problem here that we don't have room to cover in this article, so please proceed to purchasing the textbook, now in its 7th edition. Some other acceptable cars to show up at their house with are Corollas and Civics. Contrary to popular belief, Mercedes and BMWs are not good choices. Her parents won't like the idea that you are flashy. You could try to front and say that your parents are rich, but this can go both ways. If her parents smile, this means that they are gold-diggers. If they are gold-diggers, then your girlfriend is one too. If they don't smile, it means they have an inferiority complex and feel that their daughter should be matched up with someone of the same social class. Take my word, go Honda and Toyota.
What to Say
Several years ago, the beautiful and amazing Chinese vocalist Sandy Lam came out with a song called "Talk more, screw up more." It would be wise to listen to Sandy's advice. Say as little as possible. Let your girlfriend's dad brag about his prowess in the stock market. Let him bore you with his outlook on the Hong Kong - China or the China - Taiwan situation. Let him put metaphorical "money in your pocket" by sharing his experiences and the work attitudes that made him the man he is today. He will wave his hands about the room and tell you that if you work hard, one day all of this will also be yours.
If you must speak be modest and apologize for not knowing much. Chinese parents ask a lot of rhetorical questions. Feign ignorance. Let THEM answer the question for you and then say that's what YOUR parents tell you all the time. Your girlfriend's mom will beam from ear to ear, and chide you about new world folly versus old world wisdom. In truth, she is not admonishing you as much as she is strutting her tail feathers. Let her strut, by all
means let her fuss and strut.
The Meeting
It's either at a restaurant or at their house. If it's at a restaurant, pretend to fight half-heartedly for the bill but let the real man at the table pay for it. Pour tea constantly even if no tea has been drank from the cups. I once poured the tea so high that it was actually higher than the rim of the teacup. Thank goodness for grade 12 physics and that lecture about surface tension. If they actually let you pay (not a good sign), leave a 3% tip. Chinese parents love frugality. But you might also want to rethink ever going back to that restaurant for fear that you will be recognized.
Most likely the meeting will be at their house. This is their territory. In this territory, your girlfriend's dad is king. Your girlfriend's mom is queen. You would do well to remember that. First off, bring something. To show up empty handed or what the Chinese refer to as "two bunches of bananas" is disgraceful. Bring tea, bring dried mushrooms, bring dried scallop, bring ginseng, bring dried seafood, bring bird's nest, or even bring shark's fin if you can afford it. Do not bring a case of Molson Canadian. Do not bring tiramisu (Chinese parents won't eat what they cannot say). Do not bring bbq pork or other dishes (this is an insult as it suggests that your host didn't make enough food). Do not bring anything that's name sounds like "4" unless you are wishing death on the Mr. and Mrs.
When you meet them don't call them by their first names or address them by Mister and Mrs. and their last name. Go "uncle" or "aunty". By doing this you've made yourself a part of the family. Be of the belief that all men are brothers with different mothers. Also, never let your guard down, because while you are trying to earn their affection, you have to recognize that the parents are the enemy. There is nothing you can do that will ever make you good enough for their little girl, so know your enemy. Recognize that all girlfriends' parents are old, crabby uncles and aunts that smell of white flower oil or tiger balm. The dad uses too much Brylcreem in his hair, while the mother wears an updo. Of course she doesn't know that updos are actually back in style. For parents, time and coolness stops after 40, so don't even try to relate.
Dinner
Before the meeting, remember to not eat for two days. Then, when you go to your future in-laws house, go to town on her mom's lion's head meat balls or her mom's shrimp paste stuffed tofu or her mom's bitter melon beef. Sing the praises of the dishes as if it were dishes fit for Pu Yi himself. You do know who Pu Yi is right? Have at least four bowls of rice. Conventional wisdom dictates that making a pig of yourself is not wise. On the contrary, lavishing your future mother-in-law with praise is a shrewd investment that will reward you with ample dividends down the road.
Dinner Talk
If they're Christian, say how you've always wanted to be converted and ask for their guidance. Offer to go to a sermon with them that coming Sunday. If they're non-religious talk about saving money to buy a house (they love this). Tell them you've been condo shopping. Talk about a general mistrust of computers, but the necessity of computers in the modern world. Talk about famous singers like Teresa Teng. All Chinese people love Teresa Teng. If there's one thing that China Chinese and Taiwan Chinese people can agree on it is Teresa Teng. You're on your own if you talk about Four Big Sky Kings, Cookies or Twins. Talk about how Rap Talk is stupid. Remember to use the words "rap talk". They'll look at you blankly if you use terms like "hiphop" or "urban". Talk about how everything is so expensive. In short, be as fake as a ten-dollar Rolex.
Yourself
Don't talk about your grand schemes to save the world. Don't talk carpe diem, getting colonics, the protein diet, google, and other new age crap. Don't tell them about your plan for an Internet business. Don't tell them about how you plan to backpack across Europe after you graduate from university, that is if you decide to go at all. Tell them that ever since you were a kid you wanted to be a doctor. Tell them that your parents are strict. Tell them that their daughter is your first girlfriend. Tell them you're a straight A student (what are they going to do, phone the school?). (editor's note: I wouldn't place bets on that)
Your Family
This is a thorny issue, but if your parents are notorious triad gangsters, tell them that your parents own an importing and exporting company. If your parents are working stiffs, tell them that your parents are working stiffs who saved every cent so you can go to medical school. If you're out of school, tell them that your parents are retired, but got part-time jobs because they were bored sitting at home.
The Secret of all Secrets
Even if you do everything as we have instructed, situations may arise where all your hard work is for naught. In that event, use the secret of secrets to get yourself out of trouble every time. Lie. Simply calm your mind and pretend that they are your parents. It's so easy to lie to your own parents, isn't it? Your parents actually think your credit is fine. They don't know about how you are on Prozac. They don't know about how you smoke (thank goodness for breath mints). Once you realize that all parents are the same, you'll find that it's a cinch to lie to other people's parents as well.
The Conclusion
In parting, I expect some of you out there to doubt the effectiveness of these techniques. Why would anyone call someone who is not related to him "uncle" or "aunty"? Who in his right mind doesn't like tiramisu? Who is Sandy Lam? And who the heck is Teresa Teng? (For your information Faye Wong frequently covers her songs. Who is Faye Wong? Awwww...just forget about it.)
This could be me!!This should be an interesting experiment as it involves a fair bit of coordination and balance. There could be some surprised but I think it will be very comical. The two of us, well ok I talk for me here, are bound to be falling a lot. Getting up, falling and then getting up.
This is probably a more accurate picture of what will be happening....HELP!!!!
We will beheading to Mt Buller which is about 3 hours from Melbourne. Should be an enjopyable drive and hopefully we get there with no issues. There is a matter of the car needing snow chains but as we are travelling with slightly more experienced people (that is they have been ther already) i am sure my mate can handle this while I sit in the car, with the heater on giving him the "thumbs up" sign!
It will be interesting to experience the ski/snow community there and to be in the snow. Things to also do are to make a snowman and do the snow angels thing. Would love tobe in a snowball fight but my friends are probably too mature for that!
The next entry will contain some pics of the trip
The Crocodile Hunter 
It has been reported that Liverpool has signed Dutch striker Dirk Kuyt from Feyenoord for a sum anywhere between 9m and 11m pounds. He adds to the stable of players as LFC carries on with the Rafalution.
After the dissapintment of Fernando Morientes, I am a little reserving to explain he is one of the last pieces we need to claim the premiership. It will take him some time to adapt to the EPL but I hope it is a lot quicker and he starts doing good things sooner.
DK also can play on the right and as a striker so that is good with the rotation policy clubs employ to fit in with the various competitions they play in.
