You're in love. You love her. She loves you. You talk on the phone for hours at a time. You drive her everywhere. You find yourself spending fifty bucks on cuddly Korean stuffed toys that cost a buck twenty to make in Shenzen. In short, your world is complete. Now the only things standing in the way of your complete bliss are her parents. Want to learn how to overcome these obstacles? Welcome to impressing Chinese parents 101. Guys, take note. These are ancient secrets that up to now only a handful of noble families knew of. Father to son, to his son and so on. Only recently have these powerful techniques been catalogued and brought to the public's attention. Girls, take note too. If you love him, make him learn these rules. Harmony in the house, between your man and your mom and dad is paramount. And what's more they can be used when you meet his parents! Okay let's get down to the details.
Basically, we'll be covering what to wear, drive, say, bring, and talk about during dinner. We'll also cover what details to reveal about yourself, what your "supposed" ambitions are in life, what your family does for a living, and how much to eat during dinner. Finally, since there is no way to cover every conceivable situation which could arise, we will teach you the secret of secrets, to be used only in times of dire need. Please proceed.
What to Wear
Wear Polo or Tommy Hilfiger, as these labels will make you seem non-threatening. Chinese parents like non-threatening. They like to think that their daughter will be the boss of you and that you will be a hard worker and give her all the money you make. When she has all the money, she can lavish her parents with gifts and give them a nice life. Through you, their daughter will be able to repay her debt to her generous parents who sacrificed to give her a better life.
Under NO circumstances should you wear French Connection UK. Chinese parents know very little English, but they'll recognize the obvious mangling of one of the three words in their working vocabulary of English. The other two English words that Chinese parents also know are "yes" and "no", although "yes" is seldom used.
What to Drive
Borrow your parents' Accord. Your parents don't drive an Accord? Borrow their Camry. Your parents don't drive a Camry? Wait you're Chinese right? You're not Chinese and you're meeting your girlfriend's Chinese parents? Hmm, we have a problem here that we don't have room to cover in this article, so please proceed to purchasing the textbook, now in its 7th edition. Some other acceptable cars to show up at their house with are Corollas and Civics. Contrary to popular belief, Mercedes and BMWs are not good choices. Her parents won't like the idea that you are flashy. You could try to front and say that your parents are rich, but this can go both ways. If her parents smile, this means that they are gold-diggers. If they are gold-diggers, then your girlfriend is one too. If they don't smile, it means they have an inferiority complex and feel that their daughter should be matched up with someone of the same social class. Take my word, go Honda and Toyota.
What to Say
Several years ago, the beautiful and amazing Chinese vocalist Sandy Lam came out with a song called "Talk more, screw up more." It would be wise to listen to Sandy's advice. Say as little as possible. Let your girlfriend's dad brag about his prowess in the stock market. Let him bore you with his outlook on the Hong Kong - China or the China - Taiwan situation. Let him put metaphorical "money in your pocket" by sharing his experiences and the work attitudes that made him the man he is today. He will wave his hands about the room and tell you that if you work hard, one day all of this will also be yours.
If you must speak be modest and apologize for not knowing much. Chinese parents ask a lot of rhetorical questions. Feign ignorance. Let THEM answer the question for you and then say that's what YOUR parents tell you all the time. Your girlfriend's mom will beam from ear to ear, and chide you about new world folly versus old world wisdom. In truth, she is not admonishing you as much as she is strutting her tail feathers. Let her strut, by all
means let her fuss and strut.
The Meeting
It's either at a restaurant or at their house. If it's at a restaurant, pretend to fight half-heartedly for the bill but let the real man at the table pay for it. Pour tea constantly even if no tea has been drank from the cups. I once poured the tea so high that it was actually higher than the rim of the teacup. Thank goodness for grade 12 physics and that lecture about surface tension. If they actually let you pay (not a good sign), leave a 3% tip. Chinese parents love frugality. But you might also want to rethink ever going back to that restaurant for fear that you will be recognized.
Most likely the meeting will be at their house. This is their territory. In this territory, your girlfriend's dad is king. Your girlfriend's mom is queen. You would do well to remember that. First off, bring something. To show up empty handed or what the Chinese refer to as "two bunches of bananas" is disgraceful. Bring tea, bring dried mushrooms, bring dried scallop, bring ginseng, bring dried seafood, bring bird's nest, or even bring shark's fin if you can afford it. Do not bring a case of Molson Canadian. Do not bring tiramisu (Chinese parents won't eat what they cannot say). Do not bring bbq pork or other dishes (this is an insult as it suggests that your host didn't make enough food). Do not bring anything that's name sounds like "4" unless you are wishing death on the Mr. and Mrs.
When you meet them don't call them by their first names or address them by Mister and Mrs. and their last name. Go "uncle" or "aunty". By doing this you've made yourself a part of the family. Be of the belief that all men are brothers with different mothers. Also, never let your guard down, because while you are trying to earn their affection, you have to recognize that the parents are the enemy. There is nothing you can do that will ever make you good enough for their little girl, so know your enemy. Recognize that all girlfriends' parents are old, crabby uncles and aunts that smell of white flower oil or tiger balm. The dad uses too much Brylcreem in his hair, while the mother wears an updo. Of course she doesn't know that updos are actually back in style. For parents, time and coolness stops after 40, so don't even try to relate.
Dinner
Before the meeting, remember to not eat for two days. Then, when you go to your future in-laws house, go to town on her mom's lion's head meat balls or her mom's shrimp paste stuffed tofu or her mom's bitter melon beef. Sing the praises of the dishes as if it were dishes fit for Pu Yi himself. You do know who Pu Yi is right? Have at least four bowls of rice. Conventional wisdom dictates that making a pig of yourself is not wise. On the contrary, lavishing your future mother-in-law with praise is a shrewd investment that will reward you with ample dividends down the road.
Dinner Talk
If they're Christian, say how you've always wanted to be converted and ask for their guidance. Offer to go to a sermon with them that coming Sunday. If they're non-religious talk about saving money to buy a house (they love this). Tell them you've been condo shopping. Talk about a general mistrust of computers, but the necessity of computers in the modern world. Talk about famous singers like Teresa Teng. All Chinese people love Teresa Teng. If there's one thing that China Chinese and Taiwan Chinese people can agree on it is Teresa Teng. You're on your own if you talk about Four Big Sky Kings, Cookies or Twins. Talk about how Rap Talk is stupid. Remember to use the words "rap talk". They'll look at you blankly if you use terms like "hiphop" or "urban". Talk about how everything is so expensive. In short, be as fake as a ten-dollar Rolex.
Yourself
Don't talk about your grand schemes to save the world. Don't talk carpe diem, getting colonics, the protein diet, google, and other new age crap. Don't tell them about your plan for an Internet business. Don't tell them about how you plan to backpack across Europe after you graduate from university, that is if you decide to go at all. Tell them that ever since you were a kid you wanted to be a doctor. Tell them that your parents are strict. Tell them that their daughter is your first girlfriend. Tell them you're a straight A student (what are they going to do, phone the school?). (editor's note: I wouldn't place bets on that)
Your Family
This is a thorny issue, but if your parents are notorious triad gangsters, tell them that your parents own an importing and exporting company. If your parents are working stiffs, tell them that your parents are working stiffs who saved every cent so you can go to medical school. If you're out of school, tell them that your parents are retired, but got part-time jobs because they were bored sitting at home.
The Secret of all Secrets
Even if you do everything as we have instructed, situations may arise where all your hard work is for naught. In that event, use the secret of secrets to get yourself out of trouble every time. Lie. Simply calm your mind and pretend that they are your parents. It's so easy to lie to your own parents, isn't it? Your parents actually think your credit is fine. They don't know about how you are on Prozac. They don't know about how you smoke (thank goodness for breath mints). Once you realize that all parents are the same, you'll find that it's a cinch to lie to other people's parents as well.
The Conclusion
In parting, I expect some of you out there to doubt the effectiveness of these techniques. Why would anyone call someone who is not related to him "uncle" or "aunty"? Who in his right mind doesn't like tiramisu? Who is Sandy Lam? And who the heck is Teresa Teng? (For your information Faye Wong frequently covers her songs. Who is Faye Wong? Awwww...just forget about it.)
Ah, young grasshopper. If I could I would introduce you to the future you, a future you who is sad and depressed because Chu Chu (piggy) or Boh Boh (precious) or whatever other cutesy name you have for your girlfriend won't see you anymore. You feel independent. You feel powerful. You feel you don't have to kiss up to your girlfriend's parents right? It's an illusion.
Children are only as independent as their parents allow them to be. Cut off the credit cards, the cell phone (they pay the bill right?), the Lexus IS300, and all the other perks and your girlfriend is a nerd in Seven jeans. You have to realize that you are fighting the equivalent of The Machines in the Matrix. To be a successful Neo, follow these words.
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